sigh

i need someone to hold me tight and tell me that with practice i will be able to do it.

challenge and rambles,

just simple english.

the only way to fully conquer a challenge is by rising above it. like if you want to do 50 push ups easily you have to force yourself to do 60. speaking of which, i wake up every morning trying to be like bruce wayne in batman, where i do my quick twenties on the floor.

that also brings me to the this incident that just happened. so right, i placed my ipod on shuffle and out of the hundreds of songs it decided to play the one song that brings sweetness and bitterness in one package. the song that i've been practicing tens of times a day. never fully mastering it. the song that not only brings pain to my fingers but arms as well. like it was mocking me. an ipod. can you believe it? mocking me, WITH the shuffle mode turned on. funbelievable!

nevertheless i think one always fails to note the bass of a song. the treble part lays the soul for the ears, yes, but i believe it's the bass that gives the body to hold the soul. it's like this complementing part of the song that completes it yet no one ever really realizes it is there. like how good friends who complete you who are there for you without you realizing it. like the relationship between a rubber and a pencil, one always erasing the mistakes of the other, hurting itself in the process.

can i be a warder? reading robert jordan's wheel of time does affect me a lot.

just an amusing thought,

wouldn't it be nice if we were all born with a certain bond to an animal. not of our choosing but one that reveals our true nature. like everywhere we go he/she will be with us.

that would be so cool.

Sizzle Fizzle,

oh the short break from blogging has only marginally dulled my need to relentlessly rant on subjects of minuscule importance. like the obeisance of a child toward his/her parents. or the inordinate influx of beyond-senseless reforms. yet today, i shall scantily dwell on such menial matters, if at all.

i have a story to put forward that i feel, strongly, holds much meaning, extraneous or not, that is for you to decide. figured names and details matter not.

a wise father once told his growing son, who almost always threw tantrums around the house when being ordered around [ oops is that obeisance? ], that every single time should he get angry, he must gather the old nails that were once part of the wooden shack behind their house, to which now the place holds a furtively maintained...argh. i got bored. wait ah. later.

first,

you crawl, then you walk with stumbles, then you walk a little better, then you run. finally you fly. that is the course of life that everyone goes through. well minus the flying part of course.

the same happened...is still happening for the song that i intended to play [which i blogged about some time back] :D i know i know i said i would do it in a few weeks. but i am near completion now. IN FACT! I might just actually get a chance to present it to this...school. not sure what's the name again but yeahh...tonight was my best night of practicing. little errors. better timing. though need plenty of tuning up to do :/

to be able to play with emotions, i will have to know the keys by HEART. yes Amy thanks for correcting! :D

contrary motion,

a simple way to keep your emotions in check.

step 1. choose a distinct object or abstract matter that you can imagine, with little or no problem, in your head.

step 2. run that imagination over continuously until your mind knows exactly what to focus on, when you want it to

step 3. every time your control over your emotion wavers, summon that image into your mind. here is the tricky part. it will not, no, it will NOT be easy forming that image. hence, you will need to 'space out' but of course you do not just stop what you are doing or supposed to do. nevertheless, you will need absolute concentration. of course you will need to plant the idea first. i will explain a little more later by giving an example.

step 4. feed all your emotions into it. let control flow back to you. tadaa. remain calm.

yupp here is my example, my image is a candle. a white candle, with a blue flame. i would let my sense for details fill the empty gaps and then slowly i would set every emotion that i need not aflame.

you laugh, but it works :D

man on the run,

does this display loneliness or solitude?

kid yourself not,

every now and then we come across an expression of words, designed to stimulate senses in us that have seemed to be dulled by our almost monotonous ritual of life. some stick, forever, some shed a different light unto what you normally see, some make you laugh, sounds of happiness, some make you reflect and some..just make you cry.

here is one that did all the above except making me cry. i would like to add that i roughly made up these phrases myself as i could not find the exact words after a simple search.

' For every harsh word that you throw at her, your love, there will always be another guy out there soothing her with one that would almost seem angelic in comparison. For every tear you make her shed, there will always be another guy out there who would not only wipe those tears away but perhaps shed more on her behalf. [okay maybe not] For every moment you make her wait, there will always be, come say it with me, A-N-O-T-H-E-R G-U-Y who will accompany her till your arrival, be it by phone or flesh. And for every time you fail to tell her that you love her, there will always be another guy telling her that she is cared for.....so cherish her or another guy will'



This definitely made me reflect and ponder about how much more stupid it can get.

Just do this, take out the first half of every sentence and you'd realize that these things are definitely going to happen, regardless of what the guys do, henceforth,  the former part is just added to make you feel guilty. Therefore, if you as a girl think that this gives you the license to freely lean on any other guy, every single time you hit a wall, big or small, then you are the real culprit, culprit being a very polite understatement; because there is no couple out there who will not disagree. When that happens, tears will fall, words will cut. And if you don't hold fast and sort things out, it's never going to work, half a clam cannot swim. Remember that, you.......culprits.

Lukas son of Mikhael (1)

A man could not have faced five armed men unscathed.

Perhaps one can draw tales like this, stretched and drawn to such preposterous lengths from ecstatically embellished folklore legends. But the fact remains, one does not face five men and survive to father his heirs for the next Coming, much less live to talk of his own deadly encounter, twisted and conjugated amongst the roots of absurdity.

Yet, Lukas was no such man. Yes, he was a swordsman and a fine one, even amongst the older, experienced generation of his village. But even he had never place his life on such a thin line. Then again, he always had the Fair Lady's luck. Fiend! The villagers would tell stories where he would roll the die with Death himself! And live! However, tonight seemed to push his luck to the point of spillage.

He had noticed the five men much earlier in the evening, trailing him like bees to honey, like silent crouching hyenas to a lone male goat, one side hungry for fresh flesh, one side hungry for green grass. Yet, it never occurred to him he would've landed himself in this situation. Without him realizing, as he had been so intent on studying his followers, the five of them had skillfully maneuvered his movements to this long awaited moment.

Trapped, at the dead end of the road, Lukas had only one last choice to make. To let the die roll.

And so he turned around slowly...

bird's eye view,

if i could, i'd just lead myself to an island, far far away from any land, from any form of population, excluding plants.

and i'd stay there till i miss civilization.

what's your most ideal place?

mine's definitely a bookstore. or to be more precise. MPH.


i just love bookstores. from the smell of new books right down to the calmness you can feel when you shut your eyes. i can certainly stay in one for hours just strolling around looking at everything and nothing ((:

not only that, unwrapping [ though it's more like shredding through the plastic cover for me ] a newly purchased book brings me unspoken joy. i would shiver in anticipation when holding the about-to-be-opened book :D :D :D well, in my defense [over my weirdness] i used to be an avid reader and i am trying to revive the spirit back, yay(:

familiar, a little,

do you know the feeling when you are really bored, like you are in the state of mindlessness and you get bored with everything that you did or are doing, literally everything and then just like that, just with a change in the direction of wind, your mind sets itself on an all too familiar path, mayhaps one you did not take or perhaps one that you did and lived to regret for, and like how rain miraculously 'dissolves' into sand, your subconsciousness is seemingly transported back to the moment before you made that decision, suddenly colours flow from every corner filling gaps you never knew existed, exponentially increasing the vibrancy of the mere fiction of your imagination; and then you start pondering, thinking, fathoming about all the different things that may have, could have, would have happened had you made the other 'right' choice, and then, you try ever so gently at first, ever so subtly, to rid yourself off those thoughts that stick like how a baby clings to her mother when suckling, to immerse yourself in a sea of self-created distractions, and you find it futile, like adding salt to the sea, and then you start to drown in that sea of doubt and negation, perhaps even depression, drown as you blow out your last breath in the form of tiny bubbles that you feel running up your face to the surface which is getting further and further away; and just as you were about to give up, a violent tug pulls you back up to the surface with a force that would have ripped a child apart...and then there was light.



i am pretty sure mine's up to the point before there was a magical violet tug.

Through With You,

Can you see me
Floating above your head
As you lay in bed
Thinking about everything
That you did not do
Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it

And I don't trust you
Cause every time you're here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think you were the one
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all

You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that

Do you remember
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you
Oh cause I remember very well

And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you

And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?

You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that

Heartache heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I'm through with you.


my all time fav from the m5. so much meaning!

* i don't get people who add words into what i say when they tell other people. i mean, i'd totally get it if one chooses to miss some part out or twist the phrasing a little but adding words? come on........you can do better! right (: i have faith.

Here is a Note,

       I like the idea of blood, thick tainted blood, dripping, at first, then trickling..then flowing and finally pooling; pooling as I feel life seep slowly away, drop by drop, trickle by trickle..till the soft thumps of my beating heart slow in tempo with the clock that ticks everlastingly, as all sound seem to fade into the darkening background, growing further..and further, till it takes forever to draw in a breath, till my last vision of the words I wrote began to blur away.....and then there was eternal bliss.

my new wound,

because of this!
 
 

this morning, i turned the handle clockwise to let fresh cold water splash on me. that was when i found out about that deeeep wound i had. tears. now every step ignites my pain receptors. verdammt.

how to be a good son, part 1,

hahaha :D HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.

let me just tell you a simple secret. when you tell yourself that you MUST do something (a.k.a. setting an imminent goal) instead of merely saying the all too familiar [come say it with me] 'AKHHH, LATERRRR LAHHHHH, after i finish this "insertwhateveryouweredoingintently"....damn lazy siaaa  noww'   , you will most likely achieve it. like what i did today.


1)i told myself i'd wash the cars. {PROOF}



2) wash the dog


3) anddddddddddd read up on the articles i have. aiyahhh later lahh that one. let me finish blogging first :D

tadaa. see. my hand and shoulder beh tahan.

wa ka lu kong ah, walan-eh. SAKITAN DONG!